Thursday, September 25, 2008

What do we want?

Today, in the communications class that requires I have a blog, we discussed Sarah Pallin and Joe Biden. A group had us vote for the future V.P. which led me to wonder if there was a combo I liked less than the two groups running for office today. When it comes to voting I'm not thinking in terms of who to vote for but who I hate less.

On the one hand you have Oldie Mc-war-vet and his inexperienced hockey mom. On the other side you have Token Oprah-newbie and his plageristic running mate Joseph Biden-my-time-in politics. Both sides seem to want change but when you've had a president as horrible as GW Bush ANY person would want change. And unless GW changes the constitution then change will happen. I'm just not excited for the upcoming change because of the poeple wanting to change it.

Race or gender don't make a difference to me. Both the woman and the black man are inexperienced so they cancel each other out. The two old white guys have both been in there too long and both are vanilla as far as personality.

One side wants to raise my taxes and the other side voted 90% of the time with the person who got us into the financial jam we're in as a country. One side wants to leave us in Iraq for forever and one side wants to withdraw ASAP.

Where's the JUST RIGHT?!?! You know in the Goldie Locks and the 3 bears story... one bed was too hard, one bed was too soft and the other was just right... that's what I want!

In what seems to be the most historic election of my lifetime I find myself wanting to vote "none of the above" and wishing that there was a way to change the change that's coming.

Friday, September 19, 2008

Under the gun

I've got til midnight to type something so this might not make too much sense.

Ok here is where I'm currently at with my life.

I'm back to being viewed as old since next month is my birthday and the grim reaper of age is casting a shadow on my social life. When I was 27 and girls asked me how old I was I would say 32 and when they freked out I would tell them how old I actually was and they would look at me like "27 is old but a least it's not 32". I'm not too far away from that age and I don't think I could say 36 and be believed... What it boils down to is that I'm not happy with my age even though I'm quite happy with who I am.

1985 seems like forever ago and yet "Doc Brown" and "Marty" (Back to the Future) have not returned with the time machine that they supposedly built. This leads me to believe that the time machine never gets built. Let's say they did build it... eventually two idiots like Bill and Tedd would let the secret out and we would know about it by now. I fear that only a time machine could save my social life.

If the time machine never happens and unless girls really start valuing personality over looks it seems I may never find the kind of girl I'm searching for. My moms grandmotherly biological clock is ticking so somethings gotta give. Get married, get babies or get a gun.

Friday, September 12, 2008


Some of you may have heard or seen the Skippy Shirt. Many are curious about this and rightly so.

There are two EASY ways to get a Skippy Shirt.

1. Be a celebrity. C-list or higher guarentees you a Skippy Shirt. **If you have to ask if you qualify most likely you don't but ask anyways.

2. Be a CUTE single girl and go on a legitimate first date with me.

No attraction on some level... no date. (You don't have to be a supermodel but I can get girls I'm NOT attracted to to go on dtes with me... this is to get girls I AM attracted to)
Also if we do or did go out and have not discussed the shirt then you MAY NOT return later to get a shirt retroactively. You got the date. You're welcome.


A legitimate first date means you don't have a missionary, a boy friend, a "kind-of" boy friend, a husband (unless you're famous), a regular make-out buddy who you might end up with but he'd LET you go out with me OR in general a guy who you're hoping likes you back enough to ditch me for before we get to date 2. ........................ In short a girl who gets a Skippy Shirt should be available so if the date goes well, it would naturally lead to a second date.

ALSO If we do go out, I reserve the right to not give you the shirt. Here are some examples of how to not get one.

-If you don't talk to me most of the date... don't be surprised to find out you're not getting a shirt.

-If you talk non stop about ex-boyfriends, illnesses, yourself (unless I ask a bunch), how much you hate Mormon guys over 25, your friends who I don't know, or people you hate (unless I hate them too)... these things scare off Skippy Shirts.

-If you bring a pet on the date (for instance a rat ((true story))!!!),,, the shirt stays with me.
-If you come with me but leave with friends or another guy (again it happened)... you may not come get the shirt later.


It's called the REFER-A-FRIEND program:

It's simple! Just FIND a friend who meets the criteria above, SET US UP on the date, and if it GOES WELL then you get the shirt.

*Setting me up with a crazy single girl doesn't count.

*Introducng me to a celeb friend I couldn't meet without your help... DOES COUNT
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!*IF THE DATE GOES WELL AND WE GO OUT AGAIN SHE GETS A SHIRT AT THE END OF THE SECOND DATE (but not til then)*!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


If you introduce me to the girl I marry then you get EITHER:

A. A brand new washer
B. A gallon of milk a month for 25 years. This came up when I was driving tour busses in Alaska... A little old lady asked what happens if I (meaning the lil old lady) die before the 25 years is up on the free milk. Good question.

If you do set me up with the girl I eventually marry. And if you choose the gallon of milk a month for 25 years option BUT you die before the 25 years is up... YOU MUST WRITE IT IN YOUR WILL who you are leaving the remaining milk to. If you do this I will honor it. If you don't do this you forfeit the remainder of the milk.


There is a shirt out there for the girl who wants to make out with me and get the shirt. They are in LIMITED SUPPLY and they say "I made out with Skippy for 3 mins and all I got was this lousy shirt"

There it is.

Leave a comment or suggestions. Contact me to get involved in this.


Saturday, September 6, 2008

Final Tally for Friday Sept 5 08

So if you read the previous post of mine you'll notice I went 0-6 with girls.

Well at 10pm I went to a dance at The Orem Institute where I got 2 phone numbers.

Final Tally


-4 girls total for the day

I'm still in negative numbers but all it takes is one to get me back to even.

Friday, September 5, 2008

Conspiracy theory

The older I get the more I believe in conspiracy theories.

When I was young I tried to use logic to understand things. My world was growing and I used facts to put pieces of life together. I chased grasshoppers so I could catch them. I caught them and observed them. I pulled them apart to see how they worked and then was sad when I couldn't put them back together.

Conspiracy theories didn't gell with me back then. 2 gunmen? A fake moon landing? WMD's?

That's all changed recently.

They say girls are looking for a nice guy with a good sense of humor. Who are "they"? because THEY lied.

I'm nice. I volunteer for stuff. I smile first and hold open doors for people and NOT just the hot ones.
I'm funny as hell! I spend the majority of my life trying to make people smile. I'm a refreshing burst of sunshine dammit!

Funny: CHECK

I've even lost 30-40 lbs over this past year to be able to get the ones who look for looks.

What lack I yet?

What am I missing?

I'm 30 years old and I'm surrounded by cute girls everywhere I look. WHY AM I STILL SINGLE?!?! There MUST be a conspiracy to keep me single!

Who could be in on it? My mom? No, she wants me out of the basement. My friends? Maybe. Oprah? We've never met and I'm convinced she'd love me. Silent letters? They've been my arch enemy since I was first trying to learn to spell.

I'm not sure who or what is causing me to be single but I know this: Today I asked out 6 girls and got 6 no's and it's now 9:06 on a Friday night and I'm home alone blogging.

Life 1
Skippy 0