Thursday, October 30, 2008

Birthday death wish

Birthdays are for kids or happy people.

The older I get the more distant I become from both catagories.

That's pretty depressing sounding, huh?!

Here's why: (PS I'm gonna end this on a happy note so don't start calling hospitals or mortuaries just yet)

I'm thirty-one years old. Typing out the words is a bit less intimidating than seeing the numbers which when looked at make my eyes hurt like the pain you get when you stare directly at the sun.

Ughh... I'm thirty-something. There was a show called Thirty-something that was on in the late 80's and early 90's. In order to remember that it was even on you would need to be thirty-something or older. I barely remember the show and I'm a TV-a-holic.

See I know I'm old because I've already wandered from the rant of reasons why I hate this age. Here are the bullet points:

*In the Mormon church there are church services for families and for young single adults 18-30. What about me? I don't have a family of my own and I'm no longer a "young" single adult. I'm gonna keep going until they kick me out. Of the singles group... not the church.

*I flirt with or ask out about 20 girls a week on average, which is only about 4 a day-ish. Of those I get .75 dates a week. (I go on 3 dates a month... it DOESN'T MEAN I'm asking out girls who have lost SOME of their limbs.) DURING an average week I get told that I'm too old about 4 times. I think it would be higher but the girls don't ask me because I look younger.

When girls don't ask my age I feel like the 20 year old who lucks out and buys beer at the one place in town where the clerk doesn't card you.

*When I felt old at the age of 25 and a girl would ask how old I was, I would say 31. Then when her eyes got wide I would say "Just kidding I'm only 25." One girl even said to me "so you're old but you're not OLD old." I am appearantly now OLD old.

*My mom subtley likes to bring up that since my brothers' divorce, which produced no kids but a lot of debt, I'm the new hope for brining grandchildren into their lives. I feel like Luke from Star Wars when he get's told he's the only hope. No pressure there mom.

*Oh and I've never had sex so there's a certain part of the anatomy that I hope isn't broken and when (**hopefully**) it gets used for the first time, works properly.

The good news:

*Disease free.
*Zero ex-wives.
*I smile a lot.
*I'm up to 25 girls who have had my lips pressed against theirs.
*Bro's are STILL before ho's.

PS My mom was the first person to wish me happy birthday. THE SECOND PERSON was... JOEY FATONE from the boy band NSYNC. We met two summers ago in Orlando, swapped emails and became IM buddies. He IM'd me to say hi and birthday wishes.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Cut and paste to get SKIPPY

My personality is a collage.

No one person should get the blame or take credit for who I am other than myself. I do like to think that the same way a master chef can taste a cake and know the ingredients... a master personality reader can see evidence of what made you... you. Here's a cheat sheet for the rest of you:

*As a kid Bugs Bunny cartoons made me snarky and were a huge influence on me.
*MacGuyver (the person MacGrubber is based on) was who I wanted to be.
*Burke Olsen in the 4th grade introduced me to hair gel and 80's music like Depeche Mode.
*My dad is big and heavy and is TWICE as outgoing as I am. My mom is petite and creative and my hero. Smush them together you get me physically and emotionally.
*I value people who laugh, smile and who make me smile.
*I'm blunt and a little rude at times.
*The saddest thing to me are the tears of others. I cry whenever my mom cries. I always have and always will. I've been taller than her since I was 14 but I turn back into the little boy who wouldn't let go of his mommy's leg anytime her eyes fill with tears.
*I'm almost as funny as I think I am.
*I'm very romantic but with no one to practice on which often makes me feel like the worlds greatest painter who has all of the tools but keeps getting rejected by canvas.
*I love being Mormon and I love the Book of Mormon.
*I'm WAY too sarcastic for a good church goer.
*I love that I have avoided Sci-Fi, scary movies, trucks, hunting, comic books, fishing, fantasy sports, hard rock and most other things considered macho or geeky.
*My brother is 2 years older than me, drives trucks, has tons of tatoos, is SO stubborn, wears crude t-shirts to family reunions and yet is one of the kindest people I have ever known. Plus he has two kittens; Taffy and Candy.
*I forget peoples names all the time. I envy people who are good with names. I think it's one of the reasons I try to stand out so much, so I will always be remembered.
*My dream job is to interview celebrities and then retire by doing a syndicated radio show and guest segments on TV.
*I'm not good looking enough to be on TV.
*I'm searching for a girl who is half my size but twice my cool (and this doesn't mean an Eskimo Midget). Someone who everyone is gonna wonder... HOW did HE get HER?!?! yet she will think... To others he's coal, to me he's a diamond.

Sunday, October 19, 2008

A costume for your morals.

Is Halloween really happy?

It is if you're a perverted guy who goes out on October 31st looking to meet girls.

I've learned that, in Utah County, a girl who would never be caught dead wearing a risque outfit or show cleavage... uses Halloween as her excuse to wear less clothing than what she goes swimming in. She'll wear a one piece swim suit but a two piece costume that is little more than saran wrap if invited to a costume party.

Guys are not immune to this. If you have abdominal definition there is a very good chance that the promises you made, in a giant buidling at the age of 19-ish to always have a special t-shirt on, get thrown out the window so that the skank ...sorry I mean girl, of your dreams will dance a paper thin distance from you. Who needs morals on October holidays? Save those for Chrsitmas and Easter.

And it's not just the hotties... fugly (fat+ugly used to describe someone when they are more than just ugly) people love this holiday too.

Take for instance the young lady who always wears a sweater and glasses. She happily embraces a holiday where she can get the left over guys with no abdominal definition who are also looking for attention. There is no weight limit on stretchy clothes, but there should be. Raise her hand in class? No. Sing Kareoke on a bar top with 150 of her closest drunk friends who will never remember her the next day for she will have changed back into her everyday plain Jane persona... SURE!

Fat guys know that a giant diaper and a sash are what you wear if you wanna go dressed as the New Year baby... and as a bonus you have a mobile toilet in-case you drink so much you soil yourself. A lot of body paint is used this night. The same way you slap a coat of paint on an old broken down car that is hideous to look at.

Halloween is the "no shoes, no shirt... NO PROBLEM!" of holidays.

May I suggest keeping your morals all year long? Keep your clothes on people!!! Either that or don't be hypocrites. I better see those fishnet stockings worn at least ONCE in our biology class. What's more, you aren't made of money. You go to UVU not Harvard. Why would you spend any amount of money on a costume that disguises who you really are for JUST one night? By the way, the Holy Ghost is going dressed as himself.

Friday, October 17, 2008

Time to do something about nothing.

I know that hate is a strong word that should be saved for Satan, Mondays and meter maids but I HATE BUSH! I don't mean shrubbery or Geoge Bush Sr. I mean GW BUSH. And the reason I hate him was for tuning me into an independant.

Like many, I grew up in Utah County as church going, evil avoiding, son of 20th generation Republicans. I attended rallies and by the age of 13 had met both Senators, all three congress people and even the govornor. I loved my country and my state and I thought that the worst thing you could do was have a chubby chaser in the white house.

But things change. Bush got elected and I didn't care. 9-11 happened and for people of my generation it woke us up and made you care. The war started. You turned on the TV to see how the troops were doing. You listedned to country music and sang song songs about America and how we were gonna get the bad guys. And time started to pass. And soon truth comes out. And soon we find that our leaders didn't know what they were doing. So then we goback and listen to the stuff we weren't paying attention to in the name of freedom cause at the time how dare you question the Commander and Chief. And the more you review what happened and the things he said and did... the more you realize that we're being led by a moron.

I think the only two jobs where you have to know how to be charismatic and speak REALLY well are President and used car salesman. And yet because of 9-11 momentum he somehow got re-elected. I'm still shocked that Bush was able to beat Al Gore and John Kerry. The guy is a modern day Catwoman with 9 lives and no doubt a spandex costume. Listening to him give a speech is like listening to a drunk guy at a bar... it's uncomfortable, he never ends his words with "g's" (it's always fittin' or raftin' or huntin') and you can sense he doesn't really know what he's talking about. He's a laughing stock.

Ok so you wanna sound like an idiot, be my guest, but be a leader. Do something positive. But the longer he stayed president the higher gas prices soared and more innocent people died. People continued protesting (and I hate most protesters because they are usually smelly and have ideas that are more radical and extreme than the people or company they are prostesting). The world hated America and I started hating our president and became (forgive me mom and dad) an independant.

I'm not in favor of drugs, gay marriage and killing unborn babies so I can't be a Democrat. I think Bush is a moron, I don't think the rich should get richer and I think guns should be moderated slightly so I can't be a Republican. President Monson isn't running so I can't be a Monson-ite. I guess I'm an independent.

Richard Pryor was in this GREAT movie in the 80's called "Brewsters Millions" (rent it and then thank me later) where as a way to blow millions of dollars he runs for political office and encourages the voters not to vote for either of the people running for office. His campaign was to vote "none of the above. I like that idea.

Neither party has someone I really support. If I wanted a smooth talking, popular, black guy as president I'd vote for Will Smith. If I wanted and old crazy guy as president I'd vote for... ok nevermind I wouldn't vote. My point is neither side impresses me. They should just put "none of the above" and if more people vote for that an either canidate then both sides have to go back and resubmit canidates who would then have a shorter time campaign and we vote again til someone gets 55% of the vote. 49.9 against 50.1 is stupid... if your supporters couldn't get 6 more of thier friends to vote for you then you don't deserve to win. Win by 5 points or do it over.

This is a call to action my fellow people who hate both canidates but also hate crazy independants like Joseph Lieberman and Ralph Nader. Let us write in rediculous names like Heywood Jabiteme, Phil Macrevis and Tony Danza rather than vote for people who are very vanilla (even if their skin is chocolate). Let's all write a blog or only surf sites that support fun stuff. And lastly if ever given the chance to vote for a none of the above, take it! Even if that means Noneoftheabove is his last name. It's not any wierder than Bytheway or Jessop.

SNL Memories

Last night was a GREAT TV night for me... I was able to go to my friends place and on his HUGE high def TV watch the BYU cougars get thier butts kicked by TCU. That's not the great part. Infact it brought down everyone and we were all depressed BUT the good news is that at my home I had my DVR working hard recording my favorite Thrusday night shows. Survivor, Earl, THE OFFICE!!! and something new SNL Weekend Update Thursday. This is where the best segment on Saturday Night Live comes to Thursday night for just a few weeks because it's the political season and NBC felt that 12 minutes on Saturday was not enough time to lampoon the canidates. This seasons they hit the jackpot because their former co-Anchor looks just like Sarah Palin and still works in the same building. It seems SNL is at their best when they are lampooning political leaders which got me to thinking... what are my favorite SNL skits and what would be my dream team of a cast?

My favorite skits:

The 90's were my teenage years so Waynes World was naturally HUGELY popular. My friends and I would quote it all of the time. "Schwing" was heard in the hallways of school any time an attractive girl walked by.

The Spartan Cheerleaders were an instant classic. Everyone knew the type of people SNL was making fun of and most people had those personalities in their school.

An oldie but a goodie is Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer where Phil Hartman plays the title role to perfection.

The singing school teachers from Altadena Middle School were singing wonders.

Daily Affirmations with Stewart Smalley was very theraputic. The Michael Jordan skit was a classic!

My first SNL memory was group of guys in a bar talking about the greatest football team of the 1980's... Da BEARS!

But by far my favorite SNL sketch was, is and always will be... Celebrity Jeopardy. It's the kind humor that if I were the funniest man on the planet, I would write. Every actor funny. Everytime funny. Everytime spot on. I still laugh out loud when I think of my favorite moments from that sketch. "I'll take swords for 400." "That's 'S' words."

DREAM TEAM... A cast is made up of about 9... so that's what I'll limit myself to.

Basically you need to have a black guy, a funny fat guy, some funny women, a guy who does imprersonations, and then some "go to" people who appear in alsmost every sketch.

BLACK GUY... Time Meadows, Chris Rock, Tracy Morgan have all been good BUT give me EDDIE MURPHY in his SNL prime any day over those guys.

FUNNY FAT GUY... I know people are gonna say that it's either Belushi or Chris Farley but in an unprecidented move I'm gonna go back to back BLACK and go with KEENAN THOMPSON who is both Black and Big and VERY funny. And for my money, I think Horatio Sanz deserves some consideration for this discussion but not the award.

FUNNY WOMEN... This was easy. Put AMY POHLER, RACHEL DRATCH or CHERI OTERI in anything and I will watch it.

IMPERSONATOR... this is my toughest one to pick. There really are two guys who deserve this so I'm gonna let them share it. PHIL HARTMAN seemed to be the best impersonator on tht planet and irreplacable... until DARREL HAMMOND joined the cast.

GO TO guys are the glue of show... No matter the sketch, no matter how big of a name the host is, these two guys will steal the scene: DANA CARVEY AND WILL FERREL.

I'm gonna add two last people because no show is complete without WEEKEND UPDATE. And with all due respect to Chevy Chase, Dennis Miller, Kevin Nealon, Collin Quinn, Norm Macdonlad and currently Seth Meyers... the best Weekend Update for me was the best chemistry which was TINA FEY and JIMMY FALLON.

Hononrable mentions of funny go to Chris Kattan, Mike Meyers, John Lovitz, Maya Rudolph, Ana Gasteyer, Will Forte, Jason Sudeikis, Adam Sandler, David Spade, Rob Schneider, Andy Sanberg, and Bill Hader.

FINALLY... The show isn't the show without two more things: A host and a musical act.

HOST: TOM HANKS with Christopher "more cowbell" Walken as a runner up.

BAND: BARENAKED LADIES with Smashmouth as thier runner up.

Thanks to Lorne Michaels for all of the memories. From Sinead O'Connor tearing up a picture of the pope to Ashley Simpson lip syncing. I'm proud to say I watched live some of the funniest moments on TV over the last 30 years.

Friday, October 10, 2008

If it's not fun... walk out!

I had back to back days of memorable girl encounters. I'll start with the one on Wed night:

So there was a girl that I met on a social networking sight and because I thought she was cute I added her. So we messaged back and forth. I then got her msn messanger and we did more IM'ing. We swapped numbers and had some flirty phone calls. All was well in the world.

When it came time to meeting she said that she and her friend would be going shopping at the University Mall and I could meet them there. I'm pretty metro-sexual and therefore malls don't frighten me, so I agree. It's someplace public, a place to see lots of stuff, we were driving sparately but could have left together since her friend drove... a good place to meet for the first time.

Wow how she sucked! When I walked up to her I was smiling big and said HI and she gave a very casual "hey". Then she started shopping and turned into a dull transe of looking at stuff. Her friend who seems kinda whorish (since she was always looking at outfits that were 20 lbs out of her weight range and saying how her boyfriend would love it if she could keep it on) had a radar that let her know everytime I was asking my semi-date something interesting cause she would barge in everytime it seemed like things might be going well.

The longer we shopped the less we talked and the more bored I got. By the time we were close to making a full loop of the mall the girls weren't even paying attention to me or where I was. I turned my back to look at something and they headed down a hall without saying anything. So I took that as my chance to make my escape and I did.

I left. I didn't say a thing I just kept walking.

Later she texted me to ask where I was and I told her I had left since there was no chemistry, she seemed bored and since she hadn't asked me a single question all night. Later her friend called and cursed me out. But oh well.

THE NEXT night a girl I had been on a date with that I met at church and who I had been messaging on facebook, texted me to see if I wanted to hang out after she got done with work. So at 6 she came over.

She picked me up and said she wanted to go to Utah Lake. On our way out there we say an amazing sunset. We even pulled over it was SO BEAUTFUL! It was chilly and we stood close but never touched.

A lil background, the date before we cuddled a bit and I even kissed her without warning. This threw her off sincve it was the first kiss she had had since she came home off her mission 2 months ago.

So we arrive at Utah Lake. The view was really pretty. We sat in her car listening to music and talking. It was nice. Then we took a walk around the boat dock area. When we stopped the wind was blowing and I asked for a hug which was warm and sweet. Then we started walking back... which is where it got bad fast.

So I said to her I was glad that she had brought me there. And she said that she wanted me to know we would always be friends. WAIT!!! "Be friends? ... as in just friends?" "Yes."she said. "You brought me HERE to give me a let's just be friends?!?!" She said she thought it would be nice and since she had never been it would be ok.

NOTE TO GUYS and GIRLS: Don't take a person to a REALLY romantic spot to give them a let's just be friends talk. It sends the wrong signals.

So we didn't talk much on the way back and I deleted all the special text messages we shared.

2-days 2-girls Skippy 0-2

Friday, October 3, 2008

Son of a...

I have a hippie friend who bitches. All the time. Constantly.

This persons fave topics are: Utah, republicans, G.W. Bush, mormons, being treated unfair because this person isn't "like everyone else", Mccain, Palin, people who like and support them, stupid people in Utah and dumb Utah laws involving liquor, gambeling, and driving.

Bitch. Bitch. Bitch.

I hate it. I hate it as much as they hate Bush.

I try to be sympathetic. I actually hate a lot of those same things too. In fact minus the mormons, gambeling and liquor things, I hate all of those things as well.

So right now I'm trying to have a "think outside the box" moment. I'm trying to think of the things I talk about non-stop that come off the same way to others. The two that are coming to mind are:

My bad dating life and celebrities.

I'm not good at dating... I'm actually quite bad. I try hard but with VERY little success. But I have too many blogs posted about it already.

I name drop celebrities so often that their names are broken.

Those are still my favorite topics but I don't wanna be the verbal burden to others that my friends are at times to me. In the up coming weeks I hope to talk about much deeper issues. UNFORTUNATELY for me, I'm about as deep as a kiddie pool for ants. Lucky for me though I'm very well intentioned and I have an interesting way of looking at life. I think the two coincide. By not looking too deeply into life I can still stay above the pain that so many seem to wallow in. I wallow in the subject of girls and occasionally money. I hate other things but I don't wallow in them.

I make my points in with USA Today simplicity. I'm not a New York Times or New Yorker type of whiner. Even my complaints seem to be a little up beat or have pep.

I'm not a bumpersticker guy. Hippies have bumperstickers all over their P.O.S. cars. I do have an emotional bumpersticker that I wear on my countenance which is "Angels fly because they take themselves so lightly" and it's gonna stay there until a some son of a b#### or a hippie wipes it off.