Thursday, October 30, 2008

Birthday death wish

Birthdays are for kids or happy people.

The older I get the more distant I become from both catagories.

That's pretty depressing sounding, huh?!

Here's why: (PS I'm gonna end this on a happy note so don't start calling hospitals or mortuaries just yet)

I'm thirty-one years old. Typing out the words is a bit less intimidating than seeing the numbers which when looked at make my eyes hurt like the pain you get when you stare directly at the sun.

Ughh... I'm thirty-something. There was a show called Thirty-something that was on in the late 80's and early 90's. In order to remember that it was even on you would need to be thirty-something or older. I barely remember the show and I'm a TV-a-holic.

See I know I'm old because I've already wandered from the rant of reasons why I hate this age. Here are the bullet points:

*In the Mormon church there are church services for families and for young single adults 18-30. What about me? I don't have a family of my own and I'm no longer a "young" single adult. I'm gonna keep going until they kick me out. Of the singles group... not the church.

*I flirt with or ask out about 20 girls a week on average, which is only about 4 a day-ish. Of those I get .75 dates a week. (I go on 3 dates a month... it DOESN'T MEAN I'm asking out girls who have lost SOME of their limbs.) DURING an average week I get told that I'm too old about 4 times. I think it would be higher but the girls don't ask me because I look younger.

When girls don't ask my age I feel like the 20 year old who lucks out and buys beer at the one place in town where the clerk doesn't card you.

*When I felt old at the age of 25 and a girl would ask how old I was, I would say 31. Then when her eyes got wide I would say "Just kidding I'm only 25." One girl even said to me "so you're old but you're not OLD old." I am appearantly now OLD old.

*My mom subtley likes to bring up that since my brothers' divorce, which produced no kids but a lot of debt, I'm the new hope for brining grandchildren into their lives. I feel like Luke from Star Wars when he get's told he's the only hope. No pressure there mom.

*Oh and I've never had sex so there's a certain part of the anatomy that I hope isn't broken and when (**hopefully**) it gets used for the first time, works properly.

The good news:

*Disease free.
*Zero ex-wives.
*I smile a lot.
*I'm up to 25 girls who have had my lips pressed against theirs.
*Bro's are STILL before ho's.

PS My mom was the first person to wish me happy birthday. THE SECOND PERSON was... JOEY FATONE from the boy band NSYNC. We met two summers ago in Orlando, swapped emails and became IM buddies. He IM'd me to say hi and birthday wishes.

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